Letting go of "THE Answer"

For a large portion of my life, I thought I had all the right answers, that I knew everything needed to guarantee me a prosperous, healthy, satisfying, even (dare I say) perfect life. And when things didn't go according to plan, I assumed there was something I wasn't doing "quite right." That it was my fault that this perfect life hadn't happened to me yet. After all, I had been promised by my culture that if I lived my life according to certain precepts, then "it would come."

But you know what? It's not true.

In my experience of life, "THE answer" does not exist. The reason I put "the" in all capitals is to emphasize this desire I've often had to access some kind of "ultimate truth." However, the problem with this mindset is that life is fluid. What is true and works for me one day may not work for me the next day. Why? Because I change. My life circumstances change, my health changes, my living environment changes, my job changes, my family changes ... everything is in flux.

I've heard before that the only constant in life is change. Trying to apply the same answer to change doesn't work for me. In my life, I've found the more willing I am to be open to different approaches rather than definitive answers, the more likely I am to find a space that works for me now.

At this actual point in my life, I realized that I had fallen back into that mindset of looking for that magic bullet, that perfect answer that would "fix" me forever. As soon as I saw that I was once again chasing the rainbow, I stopped.

And now I'm asking myself, "What is it that I need now, in this moment?"

I think some people are able to live their lives in a space of habit, going through the same motions day in and day out without running themselves into the ground. I am not one of those people. For my life to work, I need to be fluid and flexible. I need to inhabit my body and soul as they exist in the moment, not as they existed in a previous moment.

What about you? How do you approach change in your life?

Giving it Back

As I was trying to sort through some work-related problems, I realized that I was feeling tight and panicky in my chest, over my heart. That I had allowed myself to take on the pain and issues of everyone involved in the current messiness and "fix it."

When I realized what I was doing, I paused and put my hands over my heart. For the next few minutes I meditated about sending love to those involved. And along with the love I sent, I also returned their pain that I had taken on. 

As I breathed deeply and focused on my heart chakra, my heart grew very warm. I felt the negative energy leave my body as I sent out this love and healing. As I finished, I felt calm and "in myself" again, ready to take a self-affirming rather than a self-sacrificing position in the situation.

This pattern of taking on the pain and problems of others is common for many people, and it is so limiting. I was amazed at how much my day changed both by assuming responsibility for the other people, and then by releasing responsibility for them and being responsible only for myself. 

Have you had experiences where you consciously gave back other people's pain and issues?

Just don't look at me!

Well, this morning I came out my front door and started to jog down my driveway, and right there was a group of four adults: my neighbors and their friends out for a smoke break, and they watched me as I turned to run down the street. I said a mumbled, "Hi," as I ran past, and then I tried to run so the trees would be between me and the foursome.

I understand rationally that none of them probably thought anything about seeing me run down the street. I do understand this. But my vulnerable self assumed they were thinking, "Wow, she looks awful when she moves. Why would a person like her even think of running? And in public, too!"

Okay, I laughed to myself as I wrote their supposed thoughts. I know that isn't how it is. But emotionally it feels that way, since all that fear came out yesterday. That fear of looking silly, of being seen moving in a non-mundane way. Apparently, I really don't want to be seen moving, not even by my own self.

As I've been running for the past little while, various neighbors have seen me, and it hasn't phased me. Until today. Because that enormous fear is trying to scare me back into my cocoon of inactive paralysis. And part of me wants to run back to "safety." Whew. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable putting these thoughts out to be read.

But here's the thing: I've faced down bigger fears than this. I've overcome things that I thought were impossible. So I know I can do this. I just have to be willing to keep moving. The saying that I told myself to the rhythm of my sneakers on the pavement this morning was this: "If you are not willing to look stupid, nothing great is ever going to happen to you."

Now, lots of great things have happened to me, but I know there is more in store if I can just break out of this cocoon and fly ... so I'm willing to look stupid.

How do you keep moving forward especially when you desperately want to turn back?

Feeling Terrified is a Good Sign

So, it has been a while since I've written anything here, as my energies are engaged on another project. However, I'm also going through a huge personal transition right now, and I find that I want to bring part of my process here, for anyone it might help.

First of all, while I've tried to be a healthy person throughout my life, I've always struggled with health problems (some of them very severe) and a long-standing habit of being an inactive person. It's hard to get up and move when my whole body hurts and I have no energy. A little over a year and a half ago, I figured out a major piece of my health puzzle which gave me a miraculous leap toward being a person who could move without constant chronic pain.

Now, here I am at a point in my life where I am determined to activate my body. And frankly, it scares me spitless.

Right now, at this very moment while I'm typing this post, my heart is racing and all kinds of anxiety-related hormones are rushing through my blood. And I can see that this fear is big, and it found me at a moment when I was taking a risk, and it struck. Right to the core.

I keep telling myself a quote I found the other day: "Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important?"

I've been one to play it safe in so many ways. Especially physically. If there was a chance I would get hurt, look silly, strain something, or get too dirty, I would just opt out. Trying to change this mindset to accepting that if I use my body I probably will hurt myself, look silly, strain my muscles, get dirty, etc. ... this is hard.

In some ways I've been doing so well at the change, moving forward despite the fear. Running every day, starting a yoga class ... but it was trying African Healing Dance that broken open that piece inside of me that let the terror out in giant blackening clouds. And that's how I knew it was something I needed to continue.

And I'm scared. I can do this, because I want this more than I fear it. That's the key.

How do you change patterns that have been reinforced with years of fear?

Boundaries ... Even with the Universe

Well, I've had a busy few weeks with moving and having this big project unfolding. And I've discovered something. When the Universe brings me a big project that hits a need for many people ... it can end up taking up my life if I let it. Watching this project grow has been amazing, but watching it grow to inhabit each little spot in my life has not been so great.

I've learned a lot about setting boundaries with people as I've worked through different issues. I've learned how to say "no" and "not now" and "I need my space" in all kinds of relationships. Now I'm learning to set boundaries even with the universe. I kind of smile as I type this because I'm not sure how it will come across to all of you.

I haven't written much here lately, which is largely because this new project has taken off in a way I never could have anticipated. So, for now, I'm going to consider this blog on a holiday. I'll come and post when it happens, but I won't feel guilty for letting it rest while I put my energies somewhere else.

I still feel that there is more to happen on this blog, so I'm not retiring it. Just taking a space to develop something else.

Helpful Blogger

Well, just so you know, there was a post here about how I'm moving, and more about the project I've been working on. But Blogger had a bunch of technical problems during the past few days, and it looks like they reset to a system restore point which effectively deleted my last post. So ... just so you know, I'm moving ... and life is crazy. And that big project is taking off in ways that astonish me. Too bad about the post ... but now life calls. See you on the other side of the move!

Hey, look at that! Blogger was able to restore my post. Trying to Ride the Waves is back! Thanks Blogger. 

Trying to Ride the Waves

As I've noted in the past couple of posts, I've been taking a big risk by following a BIG idea that came to me. I just wanted to give a quick update: The universe had something really big in mind. The project has taken off in a way that has astonished me. It is fulfilling a need for many people.


This shows me that my needs are often not only MY needs. They are others' needs as well.

Now a big piece of life is catching up with me in the midst of this crazy project.

I'm moving.

Moving house (especially to another state) takes a lot of everything out of me. But this time, I don't have as much "everything" as I usually do, because it's all been fed into this project. Part of me feels panicky about this from time to time, as though if I can't stress about the move enough, then it won't go right. Funny thing how much the capacity to feel stress can make me pretend to have some sort of control over the situation.

However, I'm realizing that I don't have the energy to stress out the way I normally would. Which makes me smile in a tired sort of way and wonder how the move is going to go. I've never moved without getting all anxious before.

So, this big project is teaching me more than it thought it would. I'll have to come back with an update on how the move went. Strange to think that it will be over by this time next week. Right now it is all hanging just out of sight (except for all the boxes).

Anyway ... I'm guessing this post has a slight more than worn out tone to it because I'm writing it while I'm half asleep with weariness after a big day that was part of a big week and a big month and ... yes, I'm very tired. But I wanted to share where I was at before I leap off into the unknown.